F*ck that sh*t, with gratitude
As soon as I moved to Australia I started to “go bush,” as they say. In other words, I went for hikes on the beaches and wooded trails along the Illawarra escarpment. I was especially curious about a trail that warned of a big black cat. I eventually made a plan to tackle the trail, but it was a terrible plan. I got lost, and I was totally unprepared.
Fortunately I had no run-ins with wildlife, but there were very real dangers as I made my way step by step to safety over treacherous terrain. I made it back, mostly just frightened and dehydrated, but I knew two things would come from my experience. One, a lesson- never do that unprepared again. The second, gratitude. Many people with stories like this don’t make it out. And I am thankful to this day.
I was as unprepared for the pandemic and the months of hardcore lockdown as I was for that bushwalk. I wasn’t exposed to the virus, but the dangers were real. My stresses weren’t unique, but they wore me down over many dark, uncertain months. I had the sense that when- maybe if- we made it through the proverbial tunnel, there might yet be the chance to learn, grow and yes, even be grateful. But in the depth of a cold, rainy Victorian winter I couldn’t imagine the shape that these might take.
So what did this awful fucking season teach me?
I have struggled for years doing work that I wasn’t happy with. Previously, I tried to get out with half-ass attempts at finding a new groove. But here’s what shifted- I started what I considered an apex role about two days before shipping off to work from home. What should have been a coast became drudgery. I became hyper aware of the dichotomy between caring for me/the team/the org but not caring at all about how to properly support the work, when I needed it most. So I quit. I made a hard and sticky choice about the rest of my working life, and I’m staying with it. I still give some of my time to the old sector, but just to put food on the table. It’s a new struggle, training, not working full-time, unsure where to start, but it’s happening and it wouldn’t have gone down without COVID-19.
In the very first days of not working, a switch flipped and I suddenly found myself obsessed with my health. I watched and read and drank it in. But the most important thing — forget the food, the movement, the appointments I had been avoiding- was to put the pieces of the puzzle together that made a picture of who was responsible for my health. I’ve coasted on “ok-ness” for so long that I just ignored all of the ways that I have been awful to my body. Now I understand that taking care of myself is essential to everything else I care about. I don’t know if anything other than the past year could have made that stick.
The last lesson focused on my relationships with my partner and my kids. I love my children more than anything and I believe wholeheartedly that I have to show them honesty and alternative ways to think, to love, to be. I worry about how long I can impart words on them, so that means making big choices sooner. And in the thick of things, my partner and I got real with each other and I said “It doesn’t feel like we’re partners at all, just co-parents.” That opened doors and we are now peering thought to see who and what may lay beyond. All with the kids in mind. These feelings have been simmering for years, so again, all thanks to 2020 for helping us get clear.
I also have gratitude — for my children, for clarity and feeling closer to everyone, in a global sense.
I am grateful that I was mostly available for my kids during the lockdown periods. I had special leave available and we needed it with childcare shutting down and the ongoing expectation of teaching a kid in prep. There was lots of anxiety, uncertainty, fear, boredom and tears. But there was also a lot of warm times, learning times, walks and scootering, naps and early bed times. We all grew in that time, together and alone.
I am grateful for the clarity that came to me, in all the lessons I mentioned but also in so many everyday ways. I find it easier to be occupied with things that matter after witnessing and living in suffering for months on end, with no idea about what might come tomorrow. My personal bullshit meter has never been so high, basically a ton of “fuck that shit.”
Finally, I am grateful (and this may sound horrible, but it is honest) that people all over the world felt anxious, scared and uncertain about the future. I have lived with these feelings my whole life. Stay safe? What do you mean? I have never felt safe in this world! But with the help of a pandemic, that playing field was leveled, even to the point where when things were at their worst, many of us were all worried about the same things. That’s falling back now as people rush to what was, or what they imagined it was. I was able to catch a breath in the summer (big up to La Nina for that), and it might even last through autumn, then I’ll go back to my feelings. But we’ll always have COVID.
I knew in my (now fed with kombucha) guts that this dark time would possibly lead to lessons and gratitude. I couldn’t have imagined what those would be. In fact, I hadn’t truly acknowledged them until now. And so much has been lost- it is unquantifiable and will have ramifications across the rest of our lives. But I am thankful to be able to reflect. I hope, dear reader, that you will do the same.
And just for the record, I now know that big cat sightings happen all over Australia. It hasn’t stopped me from going bush.
